The Checkout Game

The Checkout Game

The Internet is a wonderful thing. I really mean it. I can’t imagine life without it. When I need something, be it directions to a mate’s house, or instructions on how to fix my boiler, the Internet has always come up trumps. Well it’s time to give something back, and in this spirit I present…

The Checkout Game.

The Origins of the game

Some background is first required. I can reveal that since birth I have been a Heterosexual Male. Not a particularly spectacular example (apart from last night according to my wife), but two boxes I can definitely be placed in are those of Heterosexual and Male. This fact means two things. Firstly, I hate queuing. I mean I have a real deep rooted hatred of it. I like most men will walk out of a shop, and walk the twenty minute walk to the next shop just to avoid a five minute queue. Now I’m not stupid and I know that with the return walk that’s a net loss of thirty five minutes. But it means my expectant life span has not been reduced due to the stress of queuing, so in the end I’m up on the deal. Secondly I like women. I mean I really like them, I like talking to them, I like looking at them, and hell – yeah, I’ll admit it, I like fantasising about them.

Sometimes I find queuing unavoidable; visits to Ikea, supermarkets, and sandwich shops at lunch time, all necessitate queuing. For this reason I devised The Checkout Game.

NOTE: The rules below are devised for Heterosexual Males. Other genders and persuasions can feel free to modify the rules as appropriate, although Bisexuals will have an unfair advantage.

The Rules

• The game starts from the moment you join a queue.
• The game finishes from the moment you leave a queue (determined by the taking of goods purchased, and any change/receipt.
• Within this time you have to choose a member of the checkout queues, or serving/till staff.
• You may make your selection from any checkout in the shop.
• People ‘in play’ are those who are a member of a queue (determined by the same rules determining when the game starts and ends for an individual player) or till operatives.

Examples:
If someone is paying when you join a queue they are IN PLAY
If someone joins the back of the queue while you are paying, they are IN PLAY.
If someone has taken their goods and change just before you join a queue they are OUT OF PLAY

• Once selected, you must mentally undress and make love with your selection (note the ‘mentally’ part, attempting any physical interaction results in instant disqualification, and probably a slap round the face).
• You MUST make a selection before the game ends (before you have left your queue).
• Once a selection is made you may NOT change your mind.
• You may NOT retrospectively make a selection (after you or your selection has left a queue).

Strategy

This game really comes into it’s own when faced by a poor selection of people ‘in play’ (M&S on Monday afternoons can guarantee a selection of over 60’s). If a nice older lady is about to leave the queue, do you hold out for a nicer example to join? This would be a high risk strategy.

On a nice summer day you might be a like a kid in a sweetshop. Be warned though that being spoilt for choice can impede decision making.

Some days you may be forced to make an unpalatable selection. It might weigh heavy on your mind as you mentally ‘get down to it’, after all you consciously made the selection. Take it like a man, you will have more good days than bad.

Enjoy

I have been playing this game for the past two years now, and must say my problem with queuing has long gone. Feel free to suggest rule changes or comment on any notable good or bad games you have had.