That's weird

Was being forced to watch some crap American programme last week (Wifey had the remote), following Jessica Simpson (the one with the nice arse who played Daisy Duke) and her hubby. It's called Newlyweds I think, but this certainly isn't a plug.

In one part where Jess was particularly jealous of her hubby dancing with some hotties, she said to her mum that if he ever cheated on her she'd 'shoot his pecker off'. How they laughed! Fine, and an amusing moment for the fly-on-the-wall programme for all the ladies to have a giggle at (let's face it, it's only women who watch this crap). But it did occur to me, imagine if it was her hubby who was jealous, chatting to his dad over a beer.. 'If she ever cheats on me Dad I'm gonna shoot her Fadge off'. I can only imagine the backlash. No other comment to be made other than that's a weird double standard.

Jumping the Shark

A new term I learnt this week was 'Jumping the Shark' I read it on a forum that was discussing the current season of Lost, and people were suggesting that LOST had, in it's latest episode 'jumped the shark'.


My natural reaction was WTF? And being someone who hates not knowing things I started my Internet sleuthing...
apparently this term is fairly well known, although I think it might mainly be an American thing. It is widely attributed to the guys who run JumpTheShark.com. So what does it actuall mean I hear you cry. Well...

It's a moment. A defining moment when you know that your favorite television program has reached its peak.

So the next question is, what has jumping sharks got to do with that? Well it all refers to an episode of Happy Days where Fonzie, while watersking, jumps over a shark still wearing the trademark leather jacket. This was the moment that everyone realised that this show had peaked, and was now in it's decline.

Having learnt my new phrase and the origins behind it I could relax, until Friday that is. On Friday I settled down in front of the TV for an evening of relaxation when on came an old episode of The Simpsons, and what did Homer do in one short scene? Yep, while watersking he jumped a shark. I was able to smugly explain the gag to my wife, and felt vindicated that this moment had justified my web sleuthing earlier in the week. It also made me wonder how many jokes (Americana specific refernces) that we Brits miss out on. The Simpsons is already comedy classic gold, for our American cousins it must be even better.

Sports Personality

Well last night was the annual BBC Sports Personality of the year award. This annual event is usually somewhere between boring and awful. Sportsmen trying to be funny - it's just painful (and yes John Parrot that includes you, laughing at your own 'jokes' does not mean you are funny!). Last night the event was further hampered by the fact British sport is in such a piss poor state, and the fact that they now run the vote by phone in on the night.

On the shortlist of sporting excellence was;

Jenson Button - his 'achievement', to win the first Grand Prix of his career, yep - not win the title, just one race.

Monty Panesar - Don't get me started on Cricket again. What have we achieved in Cricket lately. Maybe a special award for best of a poor team...

Phil Taylor - Has been at the top of his game (darts in case you didn't know) for nearly 20 years, and as soon as they introduce a BBC GAME personality of the year, I'll be the first to vote for him.

Andy Murray - Now British number one tennis player, err congratulations, that's quite an achievement with all the competition. According to the blurb he also reached the fourth round at Wimbledon and the US Open and helped us beat the great sporting nation Ukraine in the Davis Cup. I'm guessing he left the event early last night after getting tired halfway in. I am losing the will to live just writing this.

I could go on, but I'm just depressing myself. This indeed is currently the state of British sport. I hope to God no other countries hear about this Sports Personality of the Year award. The BBC flaunt it like something to be proud of, is it just me that's embarrassed.

All is not lost though, as we do have some winners to celebrate. Joe Calzaghe for instance, the longest reigning world champion boxer who, with 42 victories in 42 fights this year inflicted a World title defeat on the favourite unbeaten American Jeff Lacy.


But did Calzaghe win? No. Did he stand a chance? According to the bookies who had him at 40-1, no! , last night the winner was......... Zara Phillips. Now Zara has actually achieved sporting success and deserved to be shortlisted, but in my opinion didn't deserve to win. This is the problem with the phone and text in system. Middle England (especially the 40Yr old+ females out there) love the Royal Family. It's a wonder Prince Phillip hasn't been nominated for "Spear Chucking" yet. And to think, there is talk of introducing Phone and Text voting in General Elections here. God help us. Maybe if Calzaghe appeared in Panto dressed as a woman and put on a silly voice then he might stand a chance of winning. Unfortunately he's too busy training, working hard and winning.

All in all I think Joe Calzaghe summed up the awards perfectly when commenting about never being on the shortlist before;

Does it bother me that I've not been put up? Of course not. At the end of the day, maybe it's because I'm a winner.

Friday

It’s Friday….

Which is good news for no other reason that it’s movie hour on Radio 5 with Mark Kermode. Kermode is a rare find, a critic whose opinion is actually worthwhile. You just have to either ignore the fact that he believes The Exorcist is the best film ever made, or admire the fact that in the company he keeps he is quite happy making and defending this assertion.

Of course the best film ever made is Casino. I know nobody will agree with me, the argument usually goes that Scorsese peaked with Goodfellas, and anyone who’s a fan of Casino would surely prefer his previous work (or Mean Streets for the real aficionados). While Goodfellas would certainly make my top 10, I am young enough not to have seen it at the cinema, whereas I did see Casino first at a beautiful Odeon in Bristol that unfortunately has since closed. I was at that age where I was in love with the cinema, the building, the architecture, the smell – the whole package (well, I still am actually, although the architecture of the local VUE cinema isn’t exactly Art Deco). Granted, the opening scene with the dummy in the car is terrible, but the dialogue more than makes up for it. Every scene could be shown as a short in it’s own right. The performances of DeNiro, Pesci and Stone have merited countless repeat viewings and will forever hold a sacred place in my heart.

I like Keromode as he is happy to give his personal opinion, rather than agreeing with his fellow critics just to be part of the club. So while we’ll never agree on the The Exorcist , I’ll continue to respect his opinion and look forward to 3:00PM on Fridays.

‘In the casino, the cardinal rule is to keep them playing and to keep them coming back. The longer they play, the more they lose, and in the end, we get it all.’

Ashes to Ashes

Dave's Blog over at Electric Halibut usually never fails to entertain me. That is until the great 'sporting' event known as The Ashes started. Looking at his blog, you can see Dave is a big Cricket fan, which is strange for an otherwise intelligent and interesting bloke. As you may have gathered, I'm not a fan. I don't totally hate Cricket, I can see the attraction for the bloke with the Bat and the fella with the ball. It's just everyone else 'playing' and those watching that I can't understand - I mean, it's sooooo boring. And to make matters worse we (England) appear to be crap at it. From what I can tell, we managed to beat Australia last year for the first time since 1987, in a tournament that only has two teams. This 'victory' prompted an open top bus tour of London, Tea for the team at Downling Street, Sports personality of the year awards, and honours being bestowed by the Monarch. This reminded me of the office monkey we have here, who not only retains employment on a yearly basis, but also manages to receive good reviews for being rubbish.

The morale of the story is;

Be rubbish at your job and set very low expectations for yourself, consistently fail to meet these expectations so that on the rare occasions you manage to meet them you will be bestowed with riches and rewards...

The Checkout Game

The Checkout Game

The Internet is a wonderful thing. I really mean it. I can’t imagine life without it. When I need something, be it directions to a mate’s house, or instructions on how to fix my boiler, the Internet has always come up trumps. Well it’s time to give something back, and in this spirit I present…

The Checkout Game.

The Origins of the game

Some background is first required. I can reveal that since birth I have been a Heterosexual Male. Not a particularly spectacular example (apart from last night according to my wife), but two boxes I can definitely be placed in are those of Heterosexual and Male. This fact means two things. Firstly, I hate queuing. I mean I have a real deep rooted hatred of it. I like most men will walk out of a shop, and walk the twenty minute walk to the next shop just to avoid a five minute queue. Now I’m not stupid and I know that with the return walk that’s a net loss of thirty five minutes. But it means my expectant life span has not been reduced due to the stress of queuing, so in the end I’m up on the deal. Secondly I like women. I mean I really like them, I like talking to them, I like looking at them, and hell – yeah, I’ll admit it, I like fantasising about them.

Sometimes I find queuing unavoidable; visits to Ikea, supermarkets, and sandwich shops at lunch time, all necessitate queuing. For this reason I devised The Checkout Game.

NOTE: The rules below are devised for Heterosexual Males. Other genders and persuasions can feel free to modify the rules as appropriate, although Bisexuals will have an unfair advantage.

The Rules

• The game starts from the moment you join a queue.
• The game finishes from the moment you leave a queue (determined by the taking of goods purchased, and any change/receipt.
• Within this time you have to choose a member of the checkout queues, or serving/till staff.
• You may make your selection from any checkout in the shop.
• People ‘in play’ are those who are a member of a queue (determined by the same rules determining when the game starts and ends for an individual player) or till operatives.

Examples:
If someone is paying when you join a queue they are IN PLAY
If someone joins the back of the queue while you are paying, they are IN PLAY.
If someone has taken their goods and change just before you join a queue they are OUT OF PLAY

• Once selected, you must mentally undress and make love with your selection (note the ‘mentally’ part, attempting any physical interaction results in instant disqualification, and probably a slap round the face).
• You MUST make a selection before the game ends (before you have left your queue).
• Once a selection is made you may NOT change your mind.
• You may NOT retrospectively make a selection (after you or your selection has left a queue).

Strategy

This game really comes into it’s own when faced by a poor selection of people ‘in play’ (M&S on Monday afternoons can guarantee a selection of over 60’s). If a nice older lady is about to leave the queue, do you hold out for a nicer example to join? This would be a high risk strategy.

On a nice summer day you might be a like a kid in a sweetshop. Be warned though that being spoilt for choice can impede decision making.

Some days you may be forced to make an unpalatable selection. It might weigh heavy on your mind as you mentally ‘get down to it’, after all you consciously made the selection. Take it like a man, you will have more good days than bad.

Enjoy

I have been playing this game for the past two years now, and must say my problem with queuing has long gone. Feel free to suggest rule changes or comment on any notable good or bad games you have had.

Milkmen do what?

Well, what’s with the blog title I hear you all cry. Well, I came up with it for one of two reasons:

1. 1. All the good ones had been used already.
2. 2. In three words it speaks volumes about how English culture has changed in the 30 years I have been on God’s green planet.

Okay it’s actually a bit of both. The first reason takes no explanation, but I’m sure there is a fair degree of purplexation (yep, I just invented a new word, and now it’s on the Interweb it’s official) regarding the second. Well firstly we need a bit of history…

A couple of years ago I worked with possibly the best team of guys I have ever worked with. We had that work hard play hard mentality which is a lot harder to achieve that you would think. As part of office law, any stupid comments that were uttered in the course of a normal working days banter were recorded for prosperity. A small selection of quotes from the team being…

“Voluntary Service.. So did you have to do it?”
“I’m on target, but how many days have I got left?”
“..people assume I want to be with someone on New Years Eve, but I can sort myself out”

Now in one coffee break I was lamenting the demise of the milkman. This was predictably challenged by my college and friend George, who argued that the milkman was a dinosaur, had been evolved out of existence, and provided no benefit to society in the modern world. My immediate response was (I’m sure you’re one step ahead at this point) "Well, Milkmen save peoples lives”. Unfairly this comment was met with hoots of derision and added to the list of funny quotes. Obviously I did not leave the matter there, as I knew my assertion to be true I sent the following proof to colleagues within the hour via the medium of email (like I said, work hard play hard);

Milkman delivers milk, saves family from fire

Milkmen Lifesavers

Despite proving my point, the discussion made me think about the humble milkman. I bet there are kids in this country who aren’t even familiar with the concept of the milkman, having grown up never seeing one. They are probably thought of as a quaint concept from ‘the olden days’, like how I think of Black and White Television for my parents generation. The old English joke that ‘your wife is shagging the milkman’ is kind of redundant now. The milkman no longer visits, it’s more likely to be the Amazon delivery guy, and as we all know when he does call your wife is out – at work! We buy our milk at a fraction of the price we did, from supermarkets that apparently pay the farmers a pittance. We used to know our milkman (my mum made us call him uncle Dave when he came round for his ‘special visits'). Milkmen did provide a service, and a sense of community. Both of which are now disappearing.

On the bright side – Cheap Milk!

In the beginning there was Lighthouse....

Well then, Ladies and Gentlemen from around the world, I'd like to welcome you to my Blog. This is apparently the thing to do in the digital age, and I must admit, is something I swore I'd never do, but more on that later. Firstly I feel I must introduce myself.

Before I do the introductions however, I must explain my dilemma. One I'm sure that is shared by other bloggers (as I'm now in the club). Do I try and retain a certain degree of anonymity, allowing me to blog away without fear of reprisal, personal embarrassment, or incurring the wrath of friends and family. Or do I blog in my own name, telling anyone who will listen about my international blogging success (let's aim high for now), yet loosing the ability to blog with impunity. Well I have been thinking long and hard and I'm going to attempt the former, to a degree. I will not be censoring myself (after all that’s what the Interweb is all about – except in China of course), and may let a few friends know about my blog, but not broadcast it, especially to those whom I might offend (farmers navigate away now). I’m certain if someone I knew were to put the pieces together they will work out who I am, but hey, what are the chances of that happening?

So, finally the introduction. In the interests of retaining a certain degree of anonymity, I would describe myself as a one legged dwarf with blue hair. I live in a lighthouse, drive a red car, and can be seen about town every week, where you might spot me impersonating buses and heavy goods vehicle as they reverse.. BEEP.. BEEP.. BEEP. Well, at least one fact there was true ;-)